My Snarky Pregnancy: So Much Gas

I thought I had already gained 20 lbs by the end of the first trimester. I knew I was ridiculously bloated and gassy, but I assumed that the visual effect of this was minimal. To be honest, I was kinda freaking out a bit. I was not anticipating Giselle Bunchen’s pregnancy body. Nor did I think that somehow my workout regimen and yoga would make up for the fact that weeks eight through 12 were spent on holiday, balancing crazy cravings and limitless vomiting but I did expect that would make it through 12 weeks without showing. It wasn’t until I visited the doctor, post-holidays that I discovered the truth behind my rapidly growing belly. 

(Photo above: five-and-a-half months pregnant...and still gassy)

She tried doing an abdominal scan and all she could see was gas. Lots and lots of gas. I could let out one of my epic and rapidly progressing pregnancy farts but I knew that it would take at least 10 huge ‘releases’ and a lot of nasal assault to release anything close to enough to make this ultrasound viable. I would like to say that they would all be cute little ‘fluffs’ or ‘toots', but for anyone who has been pregnant OR anyone whose partner has been pregnant, you know that fluff does not adequately describe the ferocious duck sounds that suddenly escape. If I used to toot I am now ass blasting. 

Instead of an abdominal ultrasound it was clear she would have to do an internal ultrasound. Not ideal, but for someone who has suffered from tons of ovarian cysts, this is a pretty normal procedure. We got to see the baby super clearly and I got to leave the office releasing only what was appropriate from my expansive and swollen bowels.